Inspirational thought of the week:
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up … when September ends
— “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” Green Day
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located somewhere in the middle of a blue-and-red demonstration protesting the absence of the Artists Formerly Known as the Kansas Nayhawks from the AP Top 25, we are staring at the college football standings and wondering aloud how in the wide, wide world of sports that September went down the way that it did. And we mean down in the most literal of senses.
• 3 teams with zero wins
• 27 teams with one win
• 7 teams with four losses
• 31 teams with three losses
• 12 losses by top-15 teams
• All that stuff App State did
• All the stuff App State didn’t do, too
As the autumnal air begins to cool and the hues of the fall foliage ignite their transformation into a kaleidoscope of colors, what lies beneath is a spaghetti pile. While others are focused on the spectacular eye-popping cavalcade of conference champions, College Football Playoff contenders and Heisman Trophy finalists, we instead have dutifully snatched up our rakes to dig down past those annoying fronds, petals and needles. Down to the mulch and mud that makes up the foundation of what makes those others so annoyingly great. Without us, there would be no them. It’s the Circle of Life. We just happen to be the part of the circle that drifts downward from the treetops, destined to be trodden upon by the cleats of others.
Don’t worry. We’ll see them all down here with us at some point. For into every fall some teams must, well, fall. No matter how high they once soared or how tall their stalks once grew. Amirite, Nebraska?
With apologies to Ryan Leaf, Billie Joe Armstrong and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 4 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Colora-duh State (0-4)
The Rams extended their FBS-worst losing streak to 10 games after a 41-10 loss at home to Sacramento State. For the FCS Hornets of the Big Sky Conference, it marked just their second win over an FBS program in 25 tries, though sources tell the Bottom 10 JortsCenter news desk that a petition has been filed to have that “win over an FBS program” distinction removed because, hey, does Colorado State really qualify?
2. Colora-duh (0-4)
Meanwhile, the Buffs also Ralphie-d up their fourth loss of the year, spurring state officials to explore putting together a last-minute edition of the Rocky Mountain Showdown, which is not being played this season. However, instead of holding the contest inside Empower Field, home of the Denver Broncos, it would be played next door in the parking lot where Mile High Stadium used to be.
3. Huh-Why?-Yuh (1-4)
The Warriors lost Pillow Fight of the Week: Episode I at New Mexico State 45-26. No offense to San Diego State and Nevada, but our eyes are already on Hawai’i’s Oct. 22 trip to Colorado State. We tried to get a hotel room in Fort Collins for that weekend, but it’s all booked up. We’re assuming that’s College GameDay planning ahead.
4. UMess (1-3)
The Minutemen were edged out by Temple of Doom in Pillow Fight of the Week Part Deux 28-0. Now they face the Eastern Michigan University Emus, who just lost to the team that was ranked ninth in last week’s Bottom 10, the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills, in a similar squeaker, 50-31. Speaking of Indiana Jones references…
5. Ark of We Lost to Raiders
If you played a team with a chromatic version of the Raiders as their mascot, you were doomed, even if you were ranked in the Top 25, amid broken-record cries of “They’re back!” The Miami Hurricanes were stunned by the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders 45-31, and the Texas Longhorns fell to the Texas Tech Red Raiders 37-34. Elsewhere, the Mount Union Purple Raiders defeated Muskingum 59-0, and while the Rutgers-Newark Scarlet Raiders don’t have football, their futbol team beat Stockton 3-1. And over on Disney+, Luke Skywalker once again got his butt kicked by the Tusken Raiders.
6. U-Can’t (1-4)
A week after surrendering five touchdown runs to Michigan’s Blake Corum, the Huskies olé’d four TD passes by NC State’s Devin Leary. Records obtained by the Bottom 10’s investigative unit have revealed that former UConn coach Randy Edsall reached out to current UConn boss Jim Mora Jr. via email under the subject line “Congrats!” A confused Mora responded with “For what?” Edsall then apologized, explaining that he had assumed Mora’s contract with the university was like his and included a “helped opponent’s star’s NFL draft status” clause calling for a $10,000 bonus.
7. Akronmonious (1-3)
After suffering smackdowns to ranked Power 5 opponents Michigan State and Tennessee, the Zips pulled to within 2 points against Liberty before falling short 21-12. That sets up a rare in-conference PFOW Double Goozle, as Akron hosts Boiling Green in a #MACtion East throwdown of 1-3 teams, kicking off just as our next contenders should be approaching halftime …
8. Baller State (1-3)
The House of Cards hosts the Northern Ill-ugh-noise Other Huskies in another clash of 1-3 #MACtion squads, this time in the West. If Ball State were to lose, it would move on to meet another current 1-3 MAC team in Central Michigan, followed by another set of Huskies in UConn on Oct. 15, followed by Bottom 10 Waiting List member Eastern Michigan and then State of Kent, also currently 1-3. Aw, who are we kidding? No one can keep up with all of this. So, until we tell you otherwise, just assume that any MAC team you see right now is 1-3 because eight of its dozen teams are, and the other four are 2-2.
9. Whew Mexico State (1-4)
Speaking of baller moves, how about the Other Aggies checking in first thing Sunday morning to make sure we had seen their score from Hawai’i? With Bottom 10 Waiting Listers FI(not A)U coming to Las Cruces this weekend, might New Mexico State be moving on to greener pastures, er, browner deserts?
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) September 25, 2022
10. Wrambling Reck (1-3)
Georgia Tech leaps over next-door neighbor Georgia State Not Southern to take over this place in the rankings that was occupied by Nebraska two weeks ago and Arizona State one week ago, aka the designated We Just Fired Our Coach In September spot. We checked the Bottom 10 rulebook and once we got the ketchup-saturated pages pulled apart, it did say that a school that fires its coach after a weekend that begins in September but ends in October is still required to take this spot, should such an occurrence take place next week. Oddly enough, that old rulebook, with a sticky note saying “CHECK THIS OUT,” was delivered to us in a box postmarked “Auburn, Ala.”
Waiting list: Georgia State Not Southern, North by Northwestern, Fres-No State, Arizona Skate, Charlotte 1-and-4’ers, US(not C)F, BC Headache Powders, No-braska, Lose-iana Tech, FI(not A)U, Temple of Doom, Utah State Other Other Aggies, Arkansaw State, see earlier note about the MAC.